She said we didn’t argue enough, and perhaps she was right. We were best friends, and it was hard to stay
mad at each other for long. I can hardly
remember a time when we let the sun go down on our anger. As it probably should be. But it also meant that things that needed to
be talked about, weren’t. They were
perpetually shelved in the wake of our love and good feeling in each other’s
company, left to be addressed (or not) for another day.
I don’t tell people when my birthday is. It’s a date, a milestone that’s generally
meaningless to me. My age is a number
that holds no real relationship to how I look or feel. So I couldn’t care less about it. At my last job, everyone would celebrate each
birthday in our department, and after a few years, they noticed they never
celebrated mine, so I told them that if they wanted to celebrate a date, then
choose my wedding anniversary. Because that was
a date that held real value for me. They
never did.
It would’ve been 14 years today. But now, it’s just a date like any other—one with
plenty of memories and associations, but nobody with whom to share them. Everyone thought we were a good couple, but
what we actually were was a good team.
Our strengths played off each other well, and helped cover the things
the other wasn’t so good at. We started
as colleagues, then quickly friends.
Before we were even a couple, she was the best friend I’d ever had. Nobody understood me better, looked out for me
more. But a good couple has not just
light, but heat. Friction and frission.
Adam’s Rib (Cukor, 1949) is probably the most celebrated
pairing of Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy.
It is about a married couple, both lawyers, who take opposing sides in a
domestic violence case, highlighting and amplifying the hypocrisies and
complications of gender roles and expectations in a marriage. It was written by a married couple (Garson Kanin & Ruth Gordon) and
Hepburn & Tracy’s ongoing love affair is one of the most venerated of the
classical Hollywood era. So the
anxieties and nuances of being a couple are in the film’s DNA.
And there is a lot of arguing in Adam’s Rib. Arguments in the courtroom and the
bedroom—never cruel but very pointed.
The most dangerous thing about being a couple is that the other person
knows you too well—your vulnerabilities and vanities, your soft spots and
triggers. We don’t like to be reminded
of our flaws, our shortcomings, and nobody knows either better than the person
we choose to spend the rest of our lives with. But ironically, the things that flare our tempers also flame our desires--we may be humbled sometimes, but it often comes with a subcurrent of hot agitation.
Last spring’s Before Midnight is saturated in this state of marital tension. While the first film in the
Linklater/Hawke/Delpy trilogy, Before Sunrise, was about love’s possibilities and the second, Before Sunset, about love’s resonance, this third installment is about love’s consequences. Choices.
Children. Compromises. We’ve never seen Jesse & Celine so at odds with
each other, but never as sexual with each other, either. Fighting and fucking are the yin & yang
of their partnership, the way to build and release emotions that run deep, and a way to remind
each other that passionate defenses and passionate rebuttals speak to passionate
feelings that still rise to the surface and overflow. It’s not my favorite film of the series, but
it is the one that speaks the closest to me—of all the little details and
dynamics I can relate to, and those I wish I could say I do after being married a decade, but can’t.
You can’t have great make-up sex if you never have a falling
out. Acceptance evolves into
complacency, and a close affinity can slowly degrade and fester if it’s not
challenged or fueled by disagreement. We
never really fought. It wasn’t our
style. We had been friends for far too
long and never tired of each other’s company.
Perhaps we were too eager to accept, too quick to forgive, too reluctant
to provoke. But an electric blanket is
different than a roaring fire. One is dependable and cozy while the other needs more watching and greater attention, but can
accomplish so much more, even if it does involve frequent licking of one's
wounds. To be a good couple, there needs
to be a balance between the two sets of qualities--compatibility and chemistry-- and a sense of direction,
growth. Otherwise, you’re just roommates
with responsibilities and a shared romantic history—real enough, authentic and
loving, but rudderless, and a shadow of what could be.
I can’t speak for her.
All I know is that I was very happy in the restless way you get when you
don’t know what happiness really feels like.
If we had fought more, we might’ve discovered this sooner and done
something about it, for better or worse. And while things happen for a reason, she deserved a better ending. On that point, I'll always be guilty. But Agape
is not Eros, no matter how hard you wish it to be. And when it came to Love, we were speaking
different languages, so assured in our understanding of each other to notice
any disconnect.
The Katharine Hepburn stamp (Scott #4461) is paired with a jury duty one (#4200), while Frank Sinatra (#4265) is matched with a wedding ring stamp (#4397). The stamp named Where Dreams Blossom from this year is Scott #4764.
